Worried

So, my friend/sister's father died and her email is disabled.  Am worried.  Something new to stress over.

Alcohol

I am trying to cut back on my alcohol intake.  Yesterday, all I drank was water.  I have cut out all of my daily soda intake.  Last week I hade my Pepsi One on Monday and Saturday.  All the other days I only drank water.  Lost 5 pounds in a week.  Yippee!!

Then I get family stress - bring on the booze...  My poor body is so confused!!!

I try go talk to the husband and get "yeah, yeah, yeah."  Ok, whatever... communication is not important.  We've gone 20 years without deep conversations, what's a few more years...

Problem is, he doesn't talk to the kids either.  I listen to my son and his plans for the future and none of his plans include his father - SNAP!  You get out, what you put in.  Hope you are prepared for the repercussions.  Goodness, I had no idea how deep my son's issues go with his father.

Marriage

Marriage - would I do it again if I had to go back in time??  Um, how do I put this nicely... um, hell no!!  Did I marry the love of my life as people seem to think, yeah - no!  I was brought up in a religion, where I belief in it's precepts and ideals, and all of its tenets, teaches you can only marry within the sole religion, and you cannot get divorced.  That creates a problem...

The person I married 20 years ago is not the same person I am married to today.  He has changed and evolved and morphed into a person I barely know.  Was I in love with him when we got married... if I had to be self-reflective, probably not.  What did he have going for him?  He was the same religion I was and expectations were what they were.  I actually was really into another person, but I try not to dwell on what might have been.

So, I did the dutiful thing and married the person I was expected of.  Life was find and dandy until kids came along.  Boy, did we have different ideas of parenting. ...  Cut to 20 years in the future...

I get a phone call from my husband saying if I need to get a hold of my son I need to call the house number.  Um, what happened?  Hubby got mad at my son, took his phone and snapped it in 2 pieces.  Not the most mature of decisions.  What angered my son was when his dad came back a few hours later and tried to make jokes about it.  My husband and son had nothing in common.  No common bond, no confidences, etc.  So, as soon as I come home from work I get ambushed.  I see where both sides are coming from, but am torn.  My 40+ husband acted like a toddler, and my son is frustrated.  Not that his phone was broken, although that annoyed him.  It was that he had a sim card that had quite a few photos on it that my son was quite proud of.  I brought it up to my husband, about the sim card, and got a "well he should have downloaded it before" response.  Really??  Yeah, that's mature!

My annoyance grows... and we are now barely at the point of "friends with benefits".  We are barely more than roommates, yet I have to defer to him on most decisions.  Getting to the end of my rope as he spends all of his income and has now moved onto mine.  We'll see what the future holds as now both kids have no tolerance for him.  My streee is high these days!!

Compassion

I haven't blogged in a while.  Mainly because I have not viewed my blog as a place to gripe and moan.  Trust me, I have written the great American novel in my head while trying to go to sleep, but it has never made it over into written form.  Tonight, I feel like venting.

I was told that I will never make a good therapist.  I am one class away from an Accounting degree and one class away from a Phychology degree.  I am employeed full time in the accounting profession; however, I seem to spent most of my off time helping people.  I have helped one woman get both her daughters back on track, helped a few others here and there.  I don't use phychology per se, I just reason with people with good ol' common sense.  So... I had the woman who I have helped on three levels come to me and tell me that I need to help as 12 year old.  What is the problem???  Her older brothers play a video game that traumatizes her.  I didn't have much to go on, but I googled it.  Turns out it is one of the scariest video games on the market.  She has nightmares, phobias, paranoias, etc. and can't talk to anyone.  After doing the research, my husband has said he is going to talk to the dad about this issue.  Ok, the clock is ticking.

I am trying to find a way to talk to the little girl and get her to open up to me before my husband vents on the dad.  Yeah, I am preoccupied.  So, my husband told me... I will never be a good therapist because I want to manipulate people into talking to me.  That is so not the case.  I probably will not be a good therapist because I care too much about people.  I am worried about this little girl.  I know her brothers and how devious they can be.  If she opens up too much she can open herself up to a world of hurt by them.  My husband says she is not my concern, my concern should be my own two kids.  Yes, that is true, my main concern are my own kids; however, they are not in harms way.  I am trying to find a way to reach this little girl's heart and get her to trust me so I can help her before my husband goes to her dad and wreaks havoc on this whole situation.  Yep, trying to help is my own damn fault... having a husband who is like a bull in a china shop....  snap!!!

No pressure, but I have about a half hour window to talk to her before the hubby goes nutso on the dad.  Doesn't help that my husband hates the brothers.  I have no patience for them either as I know where they are coming from.  I can read them like a book and they know it.  They have stopped even staying hello to me as they know that I am on to them.  This is a totally new issue and I feel so bad for their sister.  I am trying to word an opening dialogue, and my husband says I am overly worried, and will make a bad therapist.  Sorry I am concerned and want to help.   Geez!!

Depression

I want to think of myself as being a supportive wife. I have been married for almost 20 years now, and it seems like forever. Things were great the beginning. Due to my religious beliefs I was restricted to whom I could end up with. I definitely had a couple of others I would have loved to have pursued, but was not allowed to go down that avenue. I will always wonder what might have been with at least one of them. One of the two was a drug dealer, so while I was totally interested in him, I don't think we would ever have been compatible. With my choices extremely narrowed, I was down to having to pick the one I ultimately married. Long story made short, bad decision. He hates being a parent and dislikes any kind of noise in his world. We have gone round and round, and he just falls back on his liking quiet. I think its a part of his depression. He watches 13 hours of tv a day and wants total silence while he is in the room. Really, cause Judge Joe Brown and Judge Judy can't be put on mute or pause for a few minutes??? My daughter is a typical 6 year old - she talks to herself, has an imagination, etc. My husband hates that!!! They clash non-stop. I finally blew up tonight when I saw my daughter cowering in the corner after my husband yelled at her for disturbing his television program. He called her over and she wouldn't go near him, but rather clung to me.... He blamed the whole episode on me. If I hadn't have put the idea of her being afraid of him into her mind she would have been find. Um, yeah, like her hiding in the corner, rocking back and forth wasn't a clue. Both my son and my daughter continue to state how much they love me, but dislike their father... yes, quite a problem. My husband deals with it in his ever mature state - he rolls over and pretends to go to sleep (even at 8 at night). I am ever ready to pursue this 2 week EMT course so I could become independent and be able to stand on my own. Right now I need the husband's income. If I could get a job after 2-3 weeks my two kids and I would be in a much better spot. I need to come up with the finances so I can do this. Have I ever been interested in EMT - sporadically, but if the medical field is the wave of the future and I can support my kids now, I would love it--- blood, guts and all!!!

Life

It is funny as I look back on life. I am 10 days away from my 20th wedding anniversary and I so do not feel the impact. I was married on January 25, 1992, yet my husband and I have grown so far apart in the last few years. Much of it stems from the fact that we really cannot get a divorce due to our religious beliefs. Trust me, I've looked into it.... there are no legitimate scriptural grounds for us to split up... So here we are. People congratulate us on 20 years and I just smile and nod. Oh well... In reality I am just the parent to three children.... I have a 40 year old child, a 13 year old and a 6 year old. My husband's depression contributes quite a bit to our situation. He watches tv for hours on end. My son and I had laughed because he only watched tv for 11 1/2 hours as opposed to his usual 13 hours in a day. While he watches tv he wants total quiet. Yes, it is important to have total silence while Judge Joe Brown hands down his verdict. My husband will watch judge shows for hours if he is home during the week. And while they are on, total silence must reign. If it is a Saturday or Sunday, heaven forbid noise interrupt his football games. While I am a 49er fan and was enraptured for the 3 hours of utter football heaven... I don't need to follow ever game that plays during the weekend. My husband watches football from 10 - 5 for the entire weekend, and there is no talking allowed during any of the games. When I dare to speak up he goes into a meltdown. He insists on total silence from my 6 year old for hours on end. I flip out and go into mother mode my husband pretends to go to sleep. He whips out a belt because my daughter talks to herself while she plays with herself. I come totally unglued and flip out on him and he then rolls over and pretend to go to sleep at 8:00. No dinner, no nothing.... Are we nearing and ending... I think so. I get upset at him because my daughter has done nothing wrong. She plays by herself and entertains herself by talking aloud. Husband gets upset because her talking to herself interrupts his multiple hours of tv watching. Yes, we have gotten into it several times lately.... I am at the end of my rope, but without his income I am stuck. I need to register, pay for, and take this EMT class so I can stand on my own two feet. Yes, I like office work, but I can't compete without current office experience. Head knowledge will get you nowhere. This school will at least help you get a job upon graduation. I am registered for 12 units at the local community college, but I know my husband is not for it. He wants the $$$ but not for my classes to interfere with is schedule. When I told him the semester started on 1/30 he said he wasn't ready to start then, that he wanted to wait until February. I told him he would be dropped for not attending his classes due to the waitlist and he wasn't concerned. He wants the immediate payout, not the long term payoff. I wish I wasn't stuck, but for now I am. If I could figure out how to take this EMT course I could be in a position to work immediately and make a good wage off the top so as to support my kids. I am tired of parenting three kids and want go to back to only dealing with my biological two. Those are the ones who matter.

EMT

I haven't blogged much lately. A lot of it has to do witht he fact that I don't want to use my blog as a reason to vent and be negative. Much of what has gone on in my life causes me to want to release so I deliberately avoid the blogging. I am basically the parent of three children. I have two biological children and then there is my husband. He has basically become my adult child. If he needs a phone call to be made, "can you call for me?' If he needs to call in sick, "can you call for me." Any excuse is dumped on me. I know it's from his depression, but it has caused him to check out of life. So, I am at a crossroads.... do I step up and become my own adult or do I stay the wife. What do I mean? I have pursued many opportunities in the past... I had a day care license, I have a real estate license, I have done accounting, etc. All these past opportunities are no longer in the immediate mix. I can't do day care at my parent's house, accounting in the Bay Area requires a minimum of a BA degree and real estate... well not now! I am thinking of becoming an EMT. Why?? Yeah, it doesn't make sense to me either unless you put it on paper.... Unitek is the only one of two colleges that offers a two week course in becoming an EMT. While the medical field may not have been my first choice it is one of the few recession proof opportunities that are out there. Unitek is about 5 miles away and offers an EMT boot camp that will cram an entire semester's worth of classes into 2 weeks. Two weeks at 12 hours a day, but at the end they offer the required federal test and are able to become eligible for employment. Different from what my husband wants. "Where are you at?" "Change majors so you can get more classes in." For my accounting degree I need about 5 classes total. Yes, I am registered for most of them for this semester. Living in the Bay Area, this still doesn't make me qualified based on education, but at least it's a start. I will still need at least 3-4 more classes. If I take the EMT classes at Unitek, yes I will have to pay for them, but at least I am in a field that is pretty much recession proof, but within two weeks I will be done. Yes, this school costs, but I know at least two persons who have taken this course and have gotten work right upon completion. I am tired of having to ask my "head" whether I can do this or not. I know what I want to do an am ready to take the next step.