Vindictive

One last thing before I go all positive... I really want a car... not just any car.... a nice car. Forget for transportation purposes, this one is purely for vindictive reasons. Interesting that I never realized how evil I can get.... lol
When I had a vehicle it was "mine" and with it came the radio. I was in control of the radio stations. My husband's truck was "his". He controlled the radio in his vehicle. Since we split our time evenly it was fine. Now I no longer have a vehicle, and the truck did not become "ours". It is "his" and I don't have a vehicle. So whenever we go anywhere I have to listen to what he wants.
The last time we were driving I was fantasizing about driving in a corvette down the freeway in "my" car, blasting "my" radio. He would have to ask to drive my car the way I have to ask to drive his. Yeah, it's petty, but it sure felt good.
I think it's coming from the since he's the only one making money he buys things, but tells me it's his. When we both worked things were "ours". Not anymore. Things are now his.
So, my fantasy of driving the vette sure felt good.... oh yeah, the song that was playing on my radio.... Sammy Hagar's "I Can't Drive 55". And I had both kids in the car rocking out... as we were making our escape from the house going to do something fun...

Negativity

This morning I woke up and wondered when I became so negative. I hear a lot of words like "can't" coming out of my mouth. I think the negativity developed as I felt a loss of self. I feel like I have lost control of my life. Now, I need to find a way to get it back. I am in the middle between two forces. My parents - who we live with; and my husband - who hates living with them and stays in the room all day when he is here. Now each have expectations of me. I am in the middle and get dumped on from both sides. Ironically, I am here all day myself and I aso hate living here. Problem is I don't see a way out especially if my husband is not actively working on a solution. "Are you looking for work elsewhere?" No, there isn't any is the response I get. I have applied for jobs and have been asked to interview, but they are not local so I am unable to make the interviews. Husband told me I cannot look for jobs where we are at because "we have no long term plans to stay here". So I look elsewhere and am unable to interview. Brilliant...
Living with others puts you under their house rules. I have to do what they want or problems arise. Unfortunately, their rules involve me staying here all day. We are not allowed to leave the house before 3:00 in the afternoon. New problems are on the horizon coming for the summer. I mentioned them to my husband and he got irritated. Not that he has a solution, but it would make me feel better to know he was working on some sort of a plan for our future. My plans are to make my kids as well adjusted as possible considering the circumstances. I am exercising more. I am also planning on starting school in the fall.
My sister told me to do something for myself.... now crying is a great release but well, it stresses the kids... lol Chocolate is great, but well, let's face it I don't need it. So, I'm doing the exercise thing. Interesting trying to do aerobics in a micro space. Point of reference... I cannot even stretch out both arms or I hit the closet door. But I am making do and exercising the best way I can. So that's what I'm doing for me. Hoping it will release positive energy. That is my goal (although it seems like it was my new year's goal as well) to try to be positive.