Goodness

It's amazing how quickly things change. One minute everything is fine, the next it's upside down. Not only in my life but others as well. My friend just called and told me she left her husband. Wow!! I am speechless. They were (well they still are) married for 17 years. She is staying in a hotel until the apartment she rented becomes available in two weeks. When she first told me I wanted to call someone to help her because I don't live that close to her. But I chose wisely and decided to stay out of it and let her deal with it herself. I just wanted someone to be there for her. She hadn't told anyone but me what had happened and spent a lot of time crying. I feel helpless as I am so far away. That's my makeup. I worry... way too much. Which would probably explain why my stress level is up so high and my ulcer is bleeding. Oh well...

Job Interview

Well, I received notice that I passed the written qualification exam for a position in the Police Department for the City of Santa Clara. I am scheduled for an interview on Monday the 13th. When I read the job description I have to laugh because it is sooo not me. I am an accountant by well, basically, personality. I keep to myself, would rather be holed up in an office crunching numbers, not by any means interacting with people. I think it is my only-child/bookworm mentality. So here is a basic description per their website:

Special Conditions
Incumbents of this class are assigned to work day, swing and graveyard shifts, including weekends and holidays
Incumbents are expected to become proficient in the use of self-defense, Basic First Aid, Cardiopulmonary Resuscitation (CPR) and chemical agents through training

Typical Tasks
Completes and types/transcribes a variety of material such as written or dictated reports, arrest reports and/or fingerprint cards, and correspondence from recorded information, rough drafts, marginal notes, or verbal instructions
Checks, indexes, updates, routes, and files reports, correspondence, records, and citations
Answers inquiries and complaints from the public at the counter and by telephone.
Operates two-way police radio, computer terminals, and other standard office equipment such as telephone, typewriter, dictation machine, copy machine, and calculator
Using radio, computer terminal, and other appropriate equipment, provides officers in the field with information on individuals and vehicles and sends, receives, and updates information on the status of warrants
Accepts bail, keeps records
Takes police reports over the telephone and at the front counter
May interact with distressed prisoners and young children
May be required to perform pat or strip searches on persons of the same gender in custody,
Assist in the booking process or accompany officer in the transportation of prisoners to county jail or juveniles to a detention facility or home
Testifies in court as required
Uses interpersonal skills in dealing with irate persons and emergency situations

Yeah... me doing strip searches - lol. Oh well, I probably won't get it anyway. As I looked again at the qualifications I noticed I have to pass a variety of tests... including psychological. Nope...

Flies

Are you kidding me??? With as many things that are going on in the world today PETA is upset that the President swatted a fly. I mean, he killed a fly.... They've even invented a fly swatter for those pesky things. Apparently, we are all supposed to humanely trap them and release them back into the wild. Yes, they are sending him such a trap. Give me a break people!!! Concentrate your efforts on something else. It's a fly, people - move on...

Poverty

Yesterday my son went to a 6th grade graduation for his only friend in the Bay Area. Keanu has been over to play with David about 4 times now since we've been here. Both love Star Wars and Transformers and of course... video games. My mother told me that they were poor. David has never been to their place. Keanu lives with his mom, and two sisters - in the aunt's townhouse along with the aunt and at least one of her children. Keanu's mom doesn't work (I forget why), she only lives off of state money, and she doesn't have a car. Keanu's father, I believe, lives in the Philippines, and of course, doesn't pay child support. So, with transportation issues on both sides, it is difficult for the two boys to get together. Anyway, I digress. Keanu just finished the 6th grade and his mom threw him a party. David got dropped off by his grandfather at about 1:10. David called at 4:15 and asked if he could be picked up because the party ended an hour earlier, but he had stayed to clean up and play with Keanu a little bit. When he came back we asked if he had fun, what did you do, etc. etc. He came back with a container of soup. She is so poor, but wanted to do something nice for her son that she had soup for the party. Ab knew what it was (she's El Salvadorian) -pasole. David said he had some soup (which he liked), and one soda and a couple of oreo bites. Apparently they bought a package of oreos - and CUT THEM UP to stretch them. That just breaks my heart. Just when I get tired of juggling bills and stretching funds something like this happens and makes me feel bad for feeling sorry for myself. Oh it gets better. She sent some soup home with David because he liked it so much. Now, according to the State of California we are poor (enough to qualify for free health care for the kids), and yes, I feel it some days. But she totally puts me in my place. My mother told me that their big treat is going to McDonalds. They buy one Happy Meal for 3 people to split. Keanu is 11 and his sister is about his age as well. Three people sharing one small meal. This system really makes me sick... Funny thing is, I've never heard Keanu complain. My parents barbecued once when he was here and he ate and ate. Poor kid. The sad part is I know there are a lot more kids out there just like him. With people losing their homes we're reading in the paper that there are lots of displaced families, children, and pets. Sad... sad... sad - poverty is sad, especially when it affects someone you know. There's poor, but then there's barely scraping by poor. Puts me in my place...

Vindictive

One last thing before I go all positive... I really want a car... not just any car.... a nice car. Forget for transportation purposes, this one is purely for vindictive reasons. Interesting that I never realized how evil I can get.... lol
When I had a vehicle it was "mine" and with it came the radio. I was in control of the radio stations. My husband's truck was "his". He controlled the radio in his vehicle. Since we split our time evenly it was fine. Now I no longer have a vehicle, and the truck did not become "ours". It is "his" and I don't have a vehicle. So whenever we go anywhere I have to listen to what he wants.
The last time we were driving I was fantasizing about driving in a corvette down the freeway in "my" car, blasting "my" radio. He would have to ask to drive my car the way I have to ask to drive his. Yeah, it's petty, but it sure felt good.
I think it's coming from the since he's the only one making money he buys things, but tells me it's his. When we both worked things were "ours". Not anymore. Things are now his.
So, my fantasy of driving the vette sure felt good.... oh yeah, the song that was playing on my radio.... Sammy Hagar's "I Can't Drive 55". And I had both kids in the car rocking out... as we were making our escape from the house going to do something fun...

Negativity

This morning I woke up and wondered when I became so negative. I hear a lot of words like "can't" coming out of my mouth. I think the negativity developed as I felt a loss of self. I feel like I have lost control of my life. Now, I need to find a way to get it back. I am in the middle between two forces. My parents - who we live with; and my husband - who hates living with them and stays in the room all day when he is here. Now each have expectations of me. I am in the middle and get dumped on from both sides. Ironically, I am here all day myself and I aso hate living here. Problem is I don't see a way out especially if my husband is not actively working on a solution. "Are you looking for work elsewhere?" No, there isn't any is the response I get. I have applied for jobs and have been asked to interview, but they are not local so I am unable to make the interviews. Husband told me I cannot look for jobs where we are at because "we have no long term plans to stay here". So I look elsewhere and am unable to interview. Brilliant...
Living with others puts you under their house rules. I have to do what they want or problems arise. Unfortunately, their rules involve me staying here all day. We are not allowed to leave the house before 3:00 in the afternoon. New problems are on the horizon coming for the summer. I mentioned them to my husband and he got irritated. Not that he has a solution, but it would make me feel better to know he was working on some sort of a plan for our future. My plans are to make my kids as well adjusted as possible considering the circumstances. I am exercising more. I am also planning on starting school in the fall.
My sister told me to do something for myself.... now crying is a great release but well, it stresses the kids... lol Chocolate is great, but well, let's face it I don't need it. So, I'm doing the exercise thing. Interesting trying to do aerobics in a micro space. Point of reference... I cannot even stretch out both arms or I hit the closet door. But I am making do and exercising the best way I can. So that's what I'm doing for me. Hoping it will release positive energy. That is my goal (although it seems like it was my new year's goal as well) to try to be positive.

Happiness

Hmmmm. what do address....
My sister keeps telling me she wishes me happiness. Of cours, I am happy. But it's all relative....
I live in a bedroom with two children and a dog, The lack of privacy alone creates its ow issues... lol.
Everything we own is either in a storage unit or is in our bedroom. Our whole lives -the 4 of us-so I don't know where we go from there...
That aside.... my happiness is pretty much based on my children's happiness. My son is internalizing his issues so it is difficult to get to where he is at. So far he seems to be ok as long as he is with us. My daughter is bouncing off the walls and is climbing them as well. Turn out it doesn't appear she is doing as well as the son. With her and her father clashing she really has no where to turn. I wish I knew what to do do. I am at a loss. We have had multiple conversations as to "what would you do if", but well, although this issue was brought up in the general, it was not brought up in the "vague" it creates a problem. If I have a road B at lead I'd have some sort of route..... or it could die... I just wish I knew what do it...
But it explains my lack of romance......