Being a Victim

Things happen to us in life, the good-the bad-the ups and the downs... When we had our son 10 years ago my husband and I made a choice for me to not work, but to be a stay at home mother, at least until he reached the age he could go to school. Well Kindergarten has come and gone, and I'm still a full time stay at home mother, and let's add another child to the mix. When you don't earn income, speaking from my experience, you don't feel like you have an equal say in where the income that DOES come in gets spent. I know they say that to pay someone to do all of the work a wife and/or mother does would equal hundreds of thousands of dollars, yet society does not promote that view by the husband. If he is earning an income, he gets the say in well, pretty much everything... Not any more...
We watch police dramas on tv and I want to yell at the small mousy woman to get out of her abusive situation. Last Tuesday the physically abused woman went back to her husband because she couldn't make it on her own, only to be killed by him that night. Stupid woman, why did she go back to him?? That's what we all think. Get a spine and take control. Easier said than done of course...
Today I am taking back control of my life. I am in a situation I don't like... No I am not abused, but sometimes we find ourselves becoming a victim of circumstance. Now you can either stay the victim or pick yourself up and move on. I think by not having outside interests, by not working outside the home it leaves you with too much time to dwell on the negative. Things are always bad and with nothing to replace the negative with positive the negative becomes larger than life. I know my husband is in that place as well. Yeah, it's real exciting around here... both of us obsessing on what we can't do, haven't accomplished, regrets, etc. I do not want my children to grow up knowing only negativity.
It is ironic I have come to this great epiphany on a day of Thanksgiving. Although I personally, do not celebrate the holiday, it did strike me as a major irony. Because I do have things to be thankful for. I have to wonderful children who have their whole lives in front of them, I have a supportive sister who lets me rant and rave. I have a friend, who has a similar situation, but found a part time job and now has a more positive outlook on life. And I do have a husband of almost 17 years. Right now he is in a really bad place and I feel like I'm getting sucked into the vortex. I think if I can climb out so can he. The more I dwell on the negative the more I feel like I'm being swallowed by the quicksand. The more I flail and flounder around the quicker I get sucked back in. I need to find the rope and just pull myself up.
So no more being a victim. I'm going to start the new year in a new place - if not physically at least metaphorically. I'm going to have a job and hopefully be in school... I'm going to be all that I can be... but I draw the line at joining the military...lol. Next year is going to be a great year and it starts today!!

Cinnamon Rolls

Today we had cinnamon rolls for breakfast. I asked my daughter if she wanted cinnamon rolls and bacon and her face just lit up. We don't have it that often because, frankly, we'd all be over 300 pounds. But as I am watching my daughter dig in, cinnamon goo everywhere and a look of total bliss on her face it caused me to think about parenting and food. My son will ask for a cookie or piece of chocolate in the morning. Of course my response is... "no!! it's way too early". And the policy in the house is - no soda before 11. Of course he always tries to push the envelope. Going back to cinnamon rolls.... Why is a cinnamon roll ok, but well, cookies are not? Why are danish pastries ok, but cakes are not? Why are donuts ok, but not pie? Does it have to be deep fried and covered in a glazed frosting for it to be acceptable for "morning fare"? I would never let my kids eat chocolate so early in the morning, yet there are chocolate chip muffins. Same with soda. Why is Diet Soda unacceptable, yet out comes the coffee and tea and in goes spoonfuls of sugar? Things that make you go hmmmm...

Picky Picky

When I was in the fourth grade I never passed health inspection. I was a nail biter. My parents tried everything, and yes, by the way, you can acquire a taste for that bitter stuff they put on nails to deter nail biting. It wasn't until I couldn't wear nail polish unless I stopped biting that I was motivated to quit cold turkey. Never bit my nails again. I grew long nails, to the point that people commented on them, how nice they were, etc. (Not claws, but long enough people thought they were fake). Now, while I stopped chewing my nails, I became a picker. I picked at the skin all around them. I'd work a loose piece of skin or cuticle until it became red and well, just extremely painful. Yes, I'm sure Dr. Phil would have a field day with me. I've seen him talk to "cutters" and yes, I am aware I demonstrate the same controling tendencies and probably have similar reasons for my pickings. This has recently come to my attention, well as late as well, now... I am sitting here with a bandaid on my finger. And yes, it hurts to type. Funny thing is I've come full circle. I had a snag on my nail, and well, being the obsessive compulsive person that I am I had to even it out, which led to more unevenness, which led to more picking, which left me with a way too short and now throbbing finger. I had a bird who picked at her legs and chewed her toes until they were bloodied and open. You could see her actual legs, beyond the skin. She would pick and poke and blood would be everywhere. The vet said she had behavior issues and she ended up wearing a cone. Yes, she wore a collar around her neck to prevent her from getting to her legs and feet. People would tease us and call her Radar, but hey, we did get good tv reception... lol. I used to shake my head and go "what an idiot of a bird", but now I can relate. It is difficult to explain... but now I'm wondering how I'll look in a collar. Hope I can accessorize......

Being Polite

Ok, this so does not make sense to me. We went to a friend's house for dinner on Monday. She bought 2 tri tips (meat) for all of us (it's us and the 2 of them). She had bread, green beans and salad and of course, the tri tip. Now we ate in the kitchen so I was able to monitor this. Out of the two tri tips she cooked, if we barely ate one I'd be shocked. Yet, today, I made tri-tip. I had beans, and potatoes as well as bread. My husband and son ate almost the entire slab of meat by themselves. What happened to being polite and it spilling over into every day life. I got well, a couple pieces of meat, a couple pieces of bread and like 3 potato wedges...lol. Not like I needed any more. But let me tell you, it was a far cry from our friends' house on Monday. My son ate like 2 pieces of meat (and he's a meat a holic) and said "I'm full". I make the same meal and he's scavenging for leftovers. Go figure!! Sorry auntie... it wasn't boiled....lol

Simple Things I Miss

Today I had to give the dog a bath. Why? Well, no one else will do it. This house is sooo, not dog friendly. I had to use the bathtub. Now, is that sanitary? Probably not, but I have no choice. Our dog is not large by any means, but she's not a toy poodle either. I am trying to maneuver her around, get her wet, soaped up, and keep myself at least somewhat dry. I am thankful that no one was around to see this amusing disaster. This makes me miss my home and the simple things I took for granted. Like a sink in the laundry room. It was the perfect size for a dog and I am not having to fold myself in half to accomplish this most basic of tasks. Wash, blowdry, voila!! a clean dog. Here... heck no!! I am crippled from bending over, trying to keep the dog still, why? well, she has a whole tub in which to roam and wander off. Wandering off means leaving the line of spraying water, which then means she does that doggie shake to get rid of the excess water. Yes, I'm sure you know where I am headed with all of this... What used to be a relatively simple and painless chore has turned into a morning of mopping up wet floors, cleaning the bathroom, etc. Oh yeah, and right after she was bathed and blown dry, what did she do? She led me to the garage door so she could go outside so she could um, have some privacy. And here's the best part - it's pouring down rain. Bleeping, bleeping, bleeping day......

Singing

The family was driving in the truck last night coming home from dinner at a friend's house. Instead of the radio, we were listening to my son's ipod. Now he has maybe 15 songs on there, and they run the spectrum. One song comes on, husband hits skip. Then another song comes on. With a flick of the wrist the volume goes, well ..... UP. Now, the three of us are singing at the top of our lungs. The two year old has her hands over her ears and is going "too loud, too loud." Next song, same artist, same volume... then the last song (before we reached the destination). By that time I guess she figured, "if you can't beat 'em, join 'em". She was swaying back and forth and clapping along. So now there's four of us screeching along. Just to let you all know, there's a reason we haven't been discovered. And to the artist, whose songs we murdered, "sorry"....

Girlie Girl

My two year old has turned into a girlie girl. She was not into dresses and well, girlie stuff. Boy, has that changed! I used to have to practically sit on her to get her into a dress. She would scream, "I do not like that!!" as I am dressing her. Neighbors ran for cover...lol. Now, when we go shopping she goes, "oooh, pretty" when looking for clothes. And she definitely has her own opinions. The one thing she does still hate is having her hair brushed. But with her curly hair, I'm sure it is painful. I tried nail polish the other day, thinking after one swipe she would go, "I do not like that, get it off." Boy was I wrong. I did one nail and she held her hand out for more. Pretty soon I had both of her hands done. And she wasn't done. She wanted the toes too. I had to stall her until the next day because it was her bed time. First thing when she woke up, she held her toes out. "Polish, polish toes." So she now has become a girlie girl. She loves to dress up, hold her baby and now, have her nails and toes done.

Fossil

Today I received my training on how to size a watch. I am now an official holiday employee of Fossil Watches. I got my tour of the watch department, what I can and cannot sell. On Friday morning (yes, black friday), I start at Macy's in Valley Fair selling Fossil Watches. Not only do they have their own brand of watches, they also sell under DKNY, Marc by Marc Jacobs, Armani. Most are extremely high end and well, basically something I couldn't justify as an expense. Well, let's face it, pretty much anything at Macy's is out of my league...lol. I get to start at 9:00 am. Of course, I'll have to leave here at about 6 to find parking. So, for the next 4-5 weeks I'm a Fossil Watch selling fool. Try saying that three times fast..... Yeah!! I've joined the ranks of the employed. Good feeling!

Love Hate Relationship

That's the kind of relationship I have with my computer. My laptop has been my link to the world especially when I am trying to get my daughter to sleep. I plug in the laptop and get caught up. But my laptop decided to die on me. Not good timing. I now have sporadic access to another computer, but I need more frequent access. I am looking for a job and trying to find a college to attend. Yeah.... great timing. Ames Factor again rears its ugly head.

2-1

That's Junior's new boxing record. Last night he had another fight and won by a KO in the second round. Yeah!!! Good for him!! He's hooked up with a new promoter and really likes working with him. Apparently this promoter has promised him more fights in a shorter period. Now, me I don't know if that would be something I would look forward to. Hmmm, oh goody, I get to fight somebody next month and possibly get battered and bloodied. This comes from a bookworm and growing up nerdy. My philosophy is more along the lines of "kill 'em with kindness". So we'll see what the future holds for him. Hopefully good things.

Do You Know The Way....?

No, not to San Jose, but to SoCal???? Have you heard the expressions about being careful what you overhear, it can't be anything good, and similar sentiments??? Well, today I got slapped in the face with the reality of those thoughts - and it makes me need to come up with a viable and realistic plan to move back to SoCal (good-bye Peter's Bakery....so sad). Anyway, I was looking for a coupon that I had on an email and I needed to print it. I don't have a printer and so forwarded my email to my mothers (who wasn't home). I then logged on to her computer and opened my email to her...yes, I'm sure you see where I'm going with this. Didn't realize she had a whole file on well, .... me. Now, I have files with various names all with funny or well, keeper, emails from those named people. Was that file filled with my emails to her???? Heck no!!! It was all files (and current, up to yesterday) ABOUT me. Am I happy??? That would be a resounding NO!!!! I was trashed, bashed, and basically tossed to the garbage. And it was all done, while she smiled at my face. Not a happy camper. I need to get out of her house, like yesterday. Any suggestions on moving.... in this economy.... I'm up for them. I am so angry (basically, an understatement) I can barely look at her. Which is a problem, since I am staying with her. So we are holed up in a bedroom, with two kids as hostages (lol). 4 of us and a dog... yes, an interesting picture. It would be hilarious if I wasn't living it.... ugh.... I need to move to Jamaica instead, except even they don't have enough rum to get me through this.... My poor ulcer...I need to come up with a name for it, because it is definitely becoming a vocal part of the family...

Drake and Josh

My daughter will be 3 next month. She is wayyy older beyond her years. She loves "Tana" (Hannah Montana), "Coey in House" (Corey in the House), "Cody" (Zach and Cody), Carly (iCarly) and "Josh" (Drake and Josh). All of the previously mentioned tv shows are well, a bit above her age level. We took her to the movies for the first time and as soon as she entered the movie theater she started looking for Drake and Josh. Why???? Because Josh (and Drake for a couple episodes) works at a movie theater. I am trying to learn from my mistakes with my son about crossing the line between reality and fantasy. How to explain to a 2 year old???? Um, it's Josh's day off??? It was hilarious though. Her face - so serious - "Josh"?? Kids-gotta love 'em. They can definitely leave you rolling with hysterics.

Movies

Yesterday was a milestone.... our daughter's first trip to the movies. We took both kids to see Madagascar 2. My 10 year of course, if a veteran of the movies, but, well the two year old...not so much. She is a bit...well, um, busy. We had wanted to take her to the movies, but she is never in neutral long enough to attempt it. Being a fan of Madagascar, we thought we'd try it for the sequel. She did really well; better than I thought. If there hadn't have been so many dang movie trailers we would have done much better, but well, we're working with a narrow time period people, don't mess it up. About halfway through she lost interest and I thought I was going to have to spend the rest of the movie wondering whether Alex, Marty, Gloria and Melman were ever going to escape the wilds of Africa. Fortunately, her interest picked up and we managed to make it through the entire movie....YEAH!!!! She made it!!!

On a more positive note I now have a lifelong seat at the Century theatures at the Great Mall. I know that because I PAID A FORTUNE. We bought 4 tickets (2 adult and 2 children) and it came to $35.50 for a 2:10 showing. What is this something I can will to my kids??? $10.25 for one seat for not even 2 hours - I don't think so. This is now my lifelong seat. And, well... let's not go into theater pricing for food.......

Women Over 40

Here is Andy Rooney's take on women over 40. Since I am now over 40 I need all the positives I can get.

-As I grow in age, I value women over 40 most of all. Here are just a few reasons why:

-A woman over 40 will never wake you in the middle of the night and ask, 'What are you thinking?' She doesn't care what you think.

-If a woman over 40 doesn't want to watch the game, she doesn't sit around whining about it. She does something she wants to do, and it's usually more interesting.

-Women over 40 are dignified. They seldom have a screaming match with you at the opera or in the middle of an expensive restaurant. Of course, if you deserve it, they won't hesitate to shoot you if they think they can get away with it.

-Older women are generous with praise, often undeserved. They know what it's like to be unappreciated.

-Women get psychic as they age. You never have to confess your sins to a woman over 40.

-Once you get past a wrinkle or two, a woman over 40 is far sexier than her younger counterpart.

-Older women are forthright and honest. They'll tell you right off if you are a jerk, if you are acting like one. You don't ever have to wonder where you stand with her.

Yes, we praise women over 40 for a multitude of reasons. Unfortunately, it's not reciprocal. For every stunning, smart, well-coiffed, hot woman over 40, there is a bald, paunchy relic in yellow pants making a fool of himself with some 22-year old waitress. Ladies, I apologize. For all those men who say, 'Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free? here's an update for you. Nowadays 80% of women are against marriage. Why? Because women realize it's not worth buying an entire pig just to get a little sausage!

Human Decency

I'm glad to see that human decency will prevail. As I had mentioned earlier, I do not feel that California's Proposition 2 is/was/should have been a political issue. It still passed. Animals now need to be treated humanely. That should have been a no brainer, but it still took normal, every day people to vote to force those animal abusers into having some common decency. Go figure, if you are making money off of the animals, wouldn't it be in your best interests to take care of them. Apparently not. Well now you all have to. I am glad to see that no matter how much of a downward spiral the world seems to be going down, there are those out there who do have compassion for the animals who depend on us to look after them. It took millions of dollars for and against this issue to force the humane treatment of these animals. Too bad those caring for the animals weren't born with that gene. Would have been a lot easier. If you have no emotions for animals, maybe you should find another line of work.

Baking

Yeah, I got to bake cookies today!! If anything can cheer me up, it's cookies. Well, not really cookies, but the dough. The weather has been bad, my mood has been down, so what else is there but baking?? Oatmeal cookies were Monday, yesterday were Banana Nut Muffins and Orange Walnut Breat (now those two were for my mother who can't eat anything with flour) and today it's Chocolate Chip. Realizing how much baking I've done makes me go "no wonder you're not losing weight", except 1/2 wasn't mine and was given away, the oatmeal was for my husband, and the chocolate chip was for my son and me. Now you all know why I don't bake that often. Cookies, since no one seemed to want to get me a cake to drown my sorrows in....oh well, not that I need it anyway. Back to the oven..........

Education

As the work force tightens up and the competition for the few open positions narrows, I have come to realize the added importance of higher education. I was on a local college website looking at their on-line classes and calculating in my head the cost. While the fees to enroll in the college come to around $50, it is the per unit price per class that will kill you. Of course, the books become a whole other subject.... Junior college, is of course much cheaper and a good place to start on the accummulation of units/credits. For me to get the 24 credits for a major in accounting (let's not cover the lesser courses), it would cost $480. The bulk of the cost is the units. Interesting allowance they have at this school for those still in public school. Any student attending K-12 can enroll in the college and the per unit fees are waived. A child can enroll in the college for about $22. So aside from the $22 and the books, their higher education is free. It could be a great opportunity down the road for those who are interested. Of course they are limited to 7 credits per semester (and PE doesn't count), but over 3 semesters it sure can add to a great savings.