Depression

I want to think of myself as being a supportive wife. I have been married for almost 20 years now, and it seems like forever. Things were great the beginning. Due to my religious beliefs I was restricted to whom I could end up with. I definitely had a couple of others I would have loved to have pursued, but was not allowed to go down that avenue. I will always wonder what might have been with at least one of them. One of the two was a drug dealer, so while I was totally interested in him, I don't think we would ever have been compatible. With my choices extremely narrowed, I was down to having to pick the one I ultimately married. Long story made short, bad decision. He hates being a parent and dislikes any kind of noise in his world. We have gone round and round, and he just falls back on his liking quiet. I think its a part of his depression. He watches 13 hours of tv a day and wants total silence while he is in the room. Really, cause Judge Joe Brown and Judge Judy can't be put on mute or pause for a few minutes??? My daughter is a typical 6 year old - she talks to herself, has an imagination, etc. My husband hates that!!! They clash non-stop. I finally blew up tonight when I saw my daughter cowering in the corner after my husband yelled at her for disturbing his television program. He called her over and she wouldn't go near him, but rather clung to me.... He blamed the whole episode on me. If I hadn't have put the idea of her being afraid of him into her mind she would have been find. Um, yeah, like her hiding in the corner, rocking back and forth wasn't a clue. Both my son and my daughter continue to state how much they love me, but dislike their father... yes, quite a problem. My husband deals with it in his ever mature state - he rolls over and pretends to go to sleep (even at 8 at night). I am ever ready to pursue this 2 week EMT course so I could become independent and be able to stand on my own. Right now I need the husband's income. If I could get a job after 2-3 weeks my two kids and I would be in a much better spot. I need to come up with the finances so I can do this. Have I ever been interested in EMT - sporadically, but if the medical field is the wave of the future and I can support my kids now, I would love it--- blood, guts and all!!!

Life

It is funny as I look back on life. I am 10 days away from my 20th wedding anniversary and I so do not feel the impact. I was married on January 25, 1992, yet my husband and I have grown so far apart in the last few years. Much of it stems from the fact that we really cannot get a divorce due to our religious beliefs. Trust me, I've looked into it.... there are no legitimate scriptural grounds for us to split up... So here we are. People congratulate us on 20 years and I just smile and nod. Oh well... In reality I am just the parent to three children.... I have a 40 year old child, a 13 year old and a 6 year old. My husband's depression contributes quite a bit to our situation. He watches tv for hours on end. My son and I had laughed because he only watched tv for 11 1/2 hours as opposed to his usual 13 hours in a day. While he watches tv he wants total quiet. Yes, it is important to have total silence while Judge Joe Brown hands down his verdict. My husband will watch judge shows for hours if he is home during the week. And while they are on, total silence must reign. If it is a Saturday or Sunday, heaven forbid noise interrupt his football games. While I am a 49er fan and was enraptured for the 3 hours of utter football heaven... I don't need to follow ever game that plays during the weekend. My husband watches football from 10 - 5 for the entire weekend, and there is no talking allowed during any of the games. When I dare to speak up he goes into a meltdown. He insists on total silence from my 6 year old for hours on end. I flip out and go into mother mode my husband pretends to go to sleep. He whips out a belt because my daughter talks to herself while she plays with herself. I come totally unglued and flip out on him and he then rolls over and pretend to go to sleep at 8:00. No dinner, no nothing.... Are we nearing and ending... I think so. I get upset at him because my daughter has done nothing wrong. She plays by herself and entertains herself by talking aloud. Husband gets upset because her talking to herself interrupts his multiple hours of tv watching. Yes, we have gotten into it several times lately.... I am at the end of my rope, but without his income I am stuck. I need to register, pay for, and take this EMT class so I can stand on my own two feet. Yes, I like office work, but I can't compete without current office experience. Head knowledge will get you nowhere. This school will at least help you get a job upon graduation. I am registered for 12 units at the local community college, but I know my husband is not for it. He wants the $$$ but not for my classes to interfere with is schedule. When I told him the semester started on 1/30 he said he wasn't ready to start then, that he wanted to wait until February. I told him he would be dropped for not attending his classes due to the waitlist and he wasn't concerned. He wants the immediate payout, not the long term payoff. I wish I wasn't stuck, but for now I am. If I could figure out how to take this EMT course I could be in a position to work immediately and make a good wage off the top so as to support my kids. I am tired of parenting three kids and want go to back to only dealing with my biological two. Those are the ones who matter.

EMT

I haven't blogged much lately. A lot of it has to do witht he fact that I don't want to use my blog as a reason to vent and be negative. Much of what has gone on in my life causes me to want to release so I deliberately avoid the blogging. I am basically the parent of three children. I have two biological children and then there is my husband. He has basically become my adult child. If he needs a phone call to be made, "can you call for me?' If he needs to call in sick, "can you call for me." Any excuse is dumped on me. I know it's from his depression, but it has caused him to check out of life. So, I am at a crossroads.... do I step up and become my own adult or do I stay the wife. What do I mean? I have pursued many opportunities in the past... I had a day care license, I have a real estate license, I have done accounting, etc. All these past opportunities are no longer in the immediate mix. I can't do day care at my parent's house, accounting in the Bay Area requires a minimum of a BA degree and real estate... well not now! I am thinking of becoming an EMT. Why?? Yeah, it doesn't make sense to me either unless you put it on paper.... Unitek is the only one of two colleges that offers a two week course in becoming an EMT. While the medical field may not have been my first choice it is one of the few recession proof opportunities that are out there. Unitek is about 5 miles away and offers an EMT boot camp that will cram an entire semester's worth of classes into 2 weeks. Two weeks at 12 hours a day, but at the end they offer the required federal test and are able to become eligible for employment. Different from what my husband wants. "Where are you at?" "Change majors so you can get more classes in." For my accounting degree I need about 5 classes total. Yes, I am registered for most of them for this semester. Living in the Bay Area, this still doesn't make me qualified based on education, but at least it's a start. I will still need at least 3-4 more classes. If I take the EMT classes at Unitek, yes I will have to pay for them, but at least I am in a field that is pretty much recession proof, but within two weeks I will be done. Yes, this school costs, but I know at least two persons who have taken this course and have gotten work right upon completion. I am tired of having to ask my "head" whether I can do this or not. I know what I want to do an am ready to take the next step.