One last thing before I go all positive... I really want a car... not just any car.... a nice car. Forget for transportation purposes, this one is purely for vindictive reasons. Interesting that I never realized how evil I can get.... lol
When I had a vehicle it was "mine" and with it came the radio. I was in control of the radio stations. My husband's truck was "his". He controlled the radio in his vehicle. Since we split our time evenly it was fine. Now I no longer have a vehicle, and the truck did not become "ours". It is "his" and I don't have a vehicle. So whenever we go anywhere I have to listen to what he wants.
The last time we were driving I was fantasizing about driving in a corvette down the freeway in "my" car, blasting "my" radio. He would have to ask to drive my car the way I have to ask to drive his. Yeah, it's petty, but it sure felt good.
I think it's coming from the since he's the only one making money he buys things, but tells me it's his. When we both worked things were "ours". Not anymore. Things are now his.
So, my fantasy of driving the vette sure felt good.... oh yeah, the song that was playing on my radio.... Sammy Hagar's "I Can't Drive 55". And I had both kids in the car rocking out... as we were making our escape from the house going to do something fun...
Friday, April 24, 2009
Negativity
This morning I woke up and wondered when I became so negative. I hear a lot of words like "can't" coming out of my mouth. I think the negativity developed as I felt a loss of self. I feel like I have lost control of my life. Now, I need to find a way to get it back. I am in the middle between two forces. My parents - who we live with; and my husband - who hates living with them and stays in the room all day when he is here. Now each have expectations of me. I am in the middle and get dumped on from both sides. Ironically, I am here all day myself and I aso hate living here. Problem is I don't see a way out especially if my husband is not actively working on a solution. "Are you looking for work elsewhere?" No, there isn't any is the response I get. I have applied for jobs and have been asked to interview, but they are not local so I am unable to make the interviews. Husband told me I cannot look for jobs where we are at because "we have no long term plans to stay here". So I look elsewhere and am unable to interview. Brilliant...
Living with others puts you under their house rules. I have to do what they want or problems arise. Unfortunately, their rules involve me staying here all day. We are not allowed to leave the house before 3:00 in the afternoon. New problems are on the horizon coming for the summer. I mentioned them to my husband and he got irritated. Not that he has a solution, but it would make me feel better to know he was working on some sort of a plan for our future. My plans are to make my kids as well adjusted as possible considering the circumstances. I am exercising more. I am also planning on starting school in the fall.
My sister told me to do something for myself.... now crying is a great release but well, it stresses the kids... lol Chocolate is great, but well, let's face it I don't need it. So, I'm doing the exercise thing. Interesting trying to do aerobics in a micro space. Point of reference... I cannot even stretch out both arms or I hit the closet door. But I am making do and exercising the best way I can. So that's what I'm doing for me. Hoping it will release positive energy. That is my goal (although it seems like it was my new year's goal as well) to try to be positive.
Living with others puts you under their house rules. I have to do what they want or problems arise. Unfortunately, their rules involve me staying here all day. We are not allowed to leave the house before 3:00 in the afternoon. New problems are on the horizon coming for the summer. I mentioned them to my husband and he got irritated. Not that he has a solution, but it would make me feel better to know he was working on some sort of a plan for our future. My plans are to make my kids as well adjusted as possible considering the circumstances. I am exercising more. I am also planning on starting school in the fall.
My sister told me to do something for myself.... now crying is a great release but well, it stresses the kids... lol Chocolate is great, but well, let's face it I don't need it. So, I'm doing the exercise thing. Interesting trying to do aerobics in a micro space. Point of reference... I cannot even stretch out both arms or I hit the closet door. But I am making do and exercising the best way I can. So that's what I'm doing for me. Hoping it will release positive energy. That is my goal (although it seems like it was my new year's goal as well) to try to be positive.
Saturday, April 11, 2009
Happiness
Hmmmm. what do address....
My sister keeps telling me she wishes me happiness. Of cours, I am happy. But it's all relative....
I live in a bedroom with two children and a dog, The lack of privacy alone creates its ow issues... lol.
Everything we own is either in a storage unit or is in our bedroom. Our whole lives -the 4 of us-so I don't know where we go from there...
That aside.... my happiness is pretty much based on my children's happiness. My son is internalizing his issues so it is difficult to get to where he is at. So far he seems to be ok as long as he is with us. My daughter is bouncing off the walls and is climbing them as well. Turn out it doesn't appear she is doing as well as the son. With her and her father clashing she really has no where to turn. I wish I knew what to do do. I am at a loss. We have had multiple conversations as to "what would you do if", but well, although this issue was brought up in the general, it was not brought up in the "vague" it creates a problem. If I have a road B at lead I'd have some sort of route..... or it could die... I just wish I knew what do it...
But it explains my lack of romance......
My sister keeps telling me she wishes me happiness. Of cours, I am happy. But it's all relative....
I live in a bedroom with two children and a dog, The lack of privacy alone creates its ow issues... lol.
Everything we own is either in a storage unit or is in our bedroom. Our whole lives -the 4 of us-so I don't know where we go from there...
That aside.... my happiness is pretty much based on my children's happiness. My son is internalizing his issues so it is difficult to get to where he is at. So far he seems to be ok as long as he is with us. My daughter is bouncing off the walls and is climbing them as well. Turn out it doesn't appear she is doing as well as the son. With her and her father clashing she really has no where to turn. I wish I knew what to do do. I am at a loss. We have had multiple conversations as to "what would you do if", but well, although this issue was brought up in the general, it was not brought up in the "vague" it creates a problem. If I have a road B at lead I'd have some sort of route..... or it could die... I just wish I knew what do it...
But it explains my lack of romance......
Too Many Blogs
So I inadvertently logged out of this email and into another. What was saved and what is blogged I have no idea... lol. Too much technology for me..... Hopefully I can breathe and not have someone looking over my shoulder... that is what I'd like. If it's on this blog great... if not, guess I'd better find something else.....
Clarifying
Life.... I totally wish I knew what to do. I am so glad hubby doesn't remember I have a blog...
He has become very controlling lately.. monitoring my emails, cell phone calls, etc. Fortunately, I have been able to have some back door accounts...
Mexicans are another breed entirely My friend, Alice, and I have compared notes and we have come to the realization that Mexican males are possessive, short-tempered, and easily aggravated. That's the short version....
My hubby now monitors my calls, emails, etc. I don't want to think it's because he's insecure. I just feel he's bored. Mexican males are ultra macho. So when they are not working they seem to the the other extreme -insecure.
fyi--- that drives my crazy.....
I don't need someone looking over my shoulder every time I get an email, phone call or text. I am a fully functioning adult and can manage my own stuff just fine thank you very much.
So, my dear sister, you may realize why I am not realizing my quota...lol. I've aggravated.....
He has become very controlling lately.. monitoring my emails, cell phone calls, etc. Fortunately, I have been able to have some back door accounts...
Mexicans are another breed entirely My friend, Alice, and I have compared notes and we have come to the realization that Mexican males are possessive, short-tempered, and easily aggravated. That's the short version....
My hubby now monitors my calls, emails, etc. I don't want to think it's because he's insecure. I just feel he's bored. Mexican males are ultra macho. So when they are not working they seem to the the other extreme -insecure.
fyi--- that drives my crazy.....
I don't need someone looking over my shoulder every time I get an email, phone call or text. I am a fully functioning adult and can manage my own stuff just fine thank you very much.
So, my dear sister, you may realize why I am not realizing my quota...lol. I've aggravated.....
Friday, April 10, 2009
Blogging
Yes, I wish I was more up to date. Problem is I can only do this when hubby is asleep..... Yeah, my sister and I sooo need to talk... lol
So, new and interesting....
Nothing new... but I have been meaning to blog about the world.
We have been following the story of Sandra Cantu. I feel absolutely horrible for her. My son has been following her story and makes us pause every time it comes on the news. To catch up, she is an adorable 8 year old little girl who vanished in Tracy. Just this week her body turned up in some kind of suitcase in a ditch somewhere. My 10 year old saw the story from the beginning when she first disappeared. Every time the news came on we had to stop and listen to the story of her disappearance. Now, I try not to be pessimistic and I was absolutely hoping for the best, but when the news revealed that her body was discovered I was not shocked. What does disturb me is that there are people out there who can do horrific things to innocent children. She is an absolutely adorable 8 year old child and someone killed her. That bothers me. Those kinds of things make me cry. Not only for her and her family, but also to have to explain the mean people who exist in the world to my innocent 10 year old. I cry when I think about her innocence being taken away and for the pain her family is going through. No, I don't live near Tracy, but as a mother, what her parents must be going through is just horrific. How can someone do such a horrific thing to such an innocent girl??? It boggles the mind. Beyond that, from what we've heard from the news is many children from the area are traumatized. Go figure??? My 10 year old has been following the story with great interest and I am at a loss as to what to tell him. Trusting in people will get you nowhere apparently. Don't go outside alone ever. My 3 year old has learned how to open the front door by herself, and boy am I freaked out. Her short leash just got shorter.
So, new and interesting....
Nothing new... but I have been meaning to blog about the world.
We have been following the story of Sandra Cantu. I feel absolutely horrible for her. My son has been following her story and makes us pause every time it comes on the news. To catch up, she is an adorable 8 year old little girl who vanished in Tracy. Just this week her body turned up in some kind of suitcase in a ditch somewhere. My 10 year old saw the story from the beginning when she first disappeared. Every time the news came on we had to stop and listen to the story of her disappearance. Now, I try not to be pessimistic and I was absolutely hoping for the best, but when the news revealed that her body was discovered I was not shocked. What does disturb me is that there are people out there who can do horrific things to innocent children. She is an absolutely adorable 8 year old child and someone killed her. That bothers me. Those kinds of things make me cry. Not only for her and her family, but also to have to explain the mean people who exist in the world to my innocent 10 year old. I cry when I think about her innocence being taken away and for the pain her family is going through. No, I don't live near Tracy, but as a mother, what her parents must be going through is just horrific. How can someone do such a horrific thing to such an innocent girl??? It boggles the mind. Beyond that, from what we've heard from the news is many children from the area are traumatized. Go figure??? My 10 year old has been following the story with great interest and I am at a loss as to what to tell him. Trusting in people will get you nowhere apparently. Don't go outside alone ever. My 3 year old has learned how to open the front door by herself, and boy am I freaked out. Her short leash just got shorter.
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