Being a Victim

Things happen to us in life, the good-the bad-the ups and the downs... When we had our son 10 years ago my husband and I made a choice for me to not work, but to be a stay at home mother, at least until he reached the age he could go to school. Well Kindergarten has come and gone, and I'm still a full time stay at home mother, and let's add another child to the mix. When you don't earn income, speaking from my experience, you don't feel like you have an equal say in where the income that DOES come in gets spent. I know they say that to pay someone to do all of the work a wife and/or mother does would equal hundreds of thousands of dollars, yet society does not promote that view by the husband. If he is earning an income, he gets the say in well, pretty much everything... Not any more...
We watch police dramas on tv and I want to yell at the small mousy woman to get out of her abusive situation. Last Tuesday the physically abused woman went back to her husband because she couldn't make it on her own, only to be killed by him that night. Stupid woman, why did she go back to him?? That's what we all think. Get a spine and take control. Easier said than done of course...
Today I am taking back control of my life. I am in a situation I don't like... No I am not abused, but sometimes we find ourselves becoming a victim of circumstance. Now you can either stay the victim or pick yourself up and move on. I think by not having outside interests, by not working outside the home it leaves you with too much time to dwell on the negative. Things are always bad and with nothing to replace the negative with positive the negative becomes larger than life. I know my husband is in that place as well. Yeah, it's real exciting around here... both of us obsessing on what we can't do, haven't accomplished, regrets, etc. I do not want my children to grow up knowing only negativity.
It is ironic I have come to this great epiphany on a day of Thanksgiving. Although I personally, do not celebrate the holiday, it did strike me as a major irony. Because I do have things to be thankful for. I have to wonderful children who have their whole lives in front of them, I have a supportive sister who lets me rant and rave. I have a friend, who has a similar situation, but found a part time job and now has a more positive outlook on life. And I do have a husband of almost 17 years. Right now he is in a really bad place and I feel like I'm getting sucked into the vortex. I think if I can climb out so can he. The more I dwell on the negative the more I feel like I'm being swallowed by the quicksand. The more I flail and flounder around the quicker I get sucked back in. I need to find the rope and just pull myself up.
So no more being a victim. I'm going to start the new year in a new place - if not physically at least metaphorically. I'm going to have a job and hopefully be in school... I'm going to be all that I can be... but I draw the line at joining the military...lol. Next year is going to be a great year and it starts today!!

Cinnamon Rolls

Today we had cinnamon rolls for breakfast. I asked my daughter if she wanted cinnamon rolls and bacon and her face just lit up. We don't have it that often because, frankly, we'd all be over 300 pounds. But as I am watching my daughter dig in, cinnamon goo everywhere and a look of total bliss on her face it caused me to think about parenting and food. My son will ask for a cookie or piece of chocolate in the morning. Of course my response is... "no!! it's way too early". And the policy in the house is - no soda before 11. Of course he always tries to push the envelope. Going back to cinnamon rolls.... Why is a cinnamon roll ok, but well, cookies are not? Why are danish pastries ok, but cakes are not? Why are donuts ok, but not pie? Does it have to be deep fried and covered in a glazed frosting for it to be acceptable for "morning fare"? I would never let my kids eat chocolate so early in the morning, yet there are chocolate chip muffins. Same with soda. Why is Diet Soda unacceptable, yet out comes the coffee and tea and in goes spoonfuls of sugar? Things that make you go hmmmm...

Picky Picky

When I was in the fourth grade I never passed health inspection. I was a nail biter. My parents tried everything, and yes, by the way, you can acquire a taste for that bitter stuff they put on nails to deter nail biting. It wasn't until I couldn't wear nail polish unless I stopped biting that I was motivated to quit cold turkey. Never bit my nails again. I grew long nails, to the point that people commented on them, how nice they were, etc. (Not claws, but long enough people thought they were fake). Now, while I stopped chewing my nails, I became a picker. I picked at the skin all around them. I'd work a loose piece of skin or cuticle until it became red and well, just extremely painful. Yes, I'm sure Dr. Phil would have a field day with me. I've seen him talk to "cutters" and yes, I am aware I demonstrate the same controling tendencies and probably have similar reasons for my pickings. This has recently come to my attention, well as late as well, now... I am sitting here with a bandaid on my finger. And yes, it hurts to type. Funny thing is I've come full circle. I had a snag on my nail, and well, being the obsessive compulsive person that I am I had to even it out, which led to more unevenness, which led to more picking, which left me with a way too short and now throbbing finger. I had a bird who picked at her legs and chewed her toes until they were bloodied and open. You could see her actual legs, beyond the skin. She would pick and poke and blood would be everywhere. The vet said she had behavior issues and she ended up wearing a cone. Yes, she wore a collar around her neck to prevent her from getting to her legs and feet. People would tease us and call her Radar, but hey, we did get good tv reception... lol. I used to shake my head and go "what an idiot of a bird", but now I can relate. It is difficult to explain... but now I'm wondering how I'll look in a collar. Hope I can accessorize......