The Princess Bed

Quite a while back, while wandering the mall, my daughter spotted perched high on a shelf, "The Princess Bed". Not having place to put the bed, we put her off. Now this is a mall in the town we live, so we tend to frequent it more often than other places. Every time we would walk by the store we heard "my princess bed is in there". To get the bed she did everything we asked of her. At last she got the bed... and never looked back. She loves that bed. We have had it about a month or so now, and it's amazing how fast she falls asleep in it. No fuss - no muss. No more whining, no more rocking her to get her to relax... She gets in her bed, pulls her (yes, you guessed it) princess blanket over her, and fluffs her (yet again... ) princess pillow and conks out. Wow!! Who knew this bed had so much power. She has been so happy with this bed. Go figure.. but I'm so happy for her.

Nicholas

It is finally where I can write about it. Thursday was a horrible day. Our only cat had to be put down. I have had a cat in my life every single day of my life. As of Thursday, November 12th, that is no longer the case. Nicholas had been suffering from what was thought to be URI. Turns out, after a month, that was not the case. He, too, had cancer. What we thought were swollen glands due to congestion, was rather, two tumors. One was expressed outward. The other was growing inward. It was pressing on his trachea, which was causing his breathing problems. It also caused him to be unable to eat. I had observed him trying to eat and saw there was a problem. We then proceeded to use the eye dropper to feed him homemade chicken soup. We fed him every hour or two to make sure he got some nutrients. Turns out it didn't help. He still lost 2 pounds, and the cancer took him from us. In addition, it turns out Nick was also blind. He always had this faraway look about him. It seemed like he was looking though us, which could be attributed to his not feeling well. My comments were it seemed like we were invisible. Others thought he had a faraway look. Guess what... blind. I feel like such a fool for not noticing, but I was so concerned about his bloody congestion and his swollen glands that we took it to be he was lonely for his sister....
So another chapter over. It seems like I am closing a lot of chapters in my life in the last few months. I am down to one bird and one dog. And we even have a home for the bird, once we make the trip to deliver him. The bird has always been my son's even though he was more attached to me. I stayed out of his way and let my son be the primary in his life. But my son acknowledged the bird likes me more and I feel bad. I tried so hard to avoid the bird. But when I am around him, he holds my finger to keep me with him. Rosh is such a sweetie, but I wasn't going to come between them. Unfortunately, animals make their choice, so my son is willing to let him go because they just don't have that unshakeable bond. We'll see if it actually comes to pass. I am tired of closing chapters. I am one of those people who wants to keep the chapters open and continue the journey.... oh well.... and life goes on. Sad thing is my two kids are devastated (especially the one on all counts). My son grows close and gets an attachment. Once that attachment is gone he is left floundering and is absolutely lost and confused. Poor kid. I can only explain things so far...

Buddies

So my daughter loves the Air Bud movies - specifically the Air Buddies. She loves the puppies. She talks about all 5 puppies constanty. I think I've seen Space Buddies, Snow Buddies and Air Buddies about 100 times in the past couple weeks. And guess what she wants now... yep 5 Golden Retriever puppies. Guess I should be thankful she hasn't seen 101 Dalmatians!

Kitty

Well, the last kitty is sick. Problem with getting old is that a lot more can go wrong with them. Looks like I get to take kitty in due to an upper respiratory infection. When he sneezes it's pretty gross and blood is permeating through as well. Not looking forward to another visit to the vet considering how the last one turned out.

Random Thoughts

So, I've had a ton of stuff rambling through my head, but no time to blog about them...
First off, I'm thrilled for my nephew who had his 4th win... with that is supposed to come with a signing of a promoter. While there is no way I could watch him box, I am glad to hear via constant communication that he won. Yeah Junior... way to go!!!
Life is still in flux, but is finally heading in a direction. It takes a while to get the ducks to get in line... (good lord I can't believe I used that analogy...lol). Husband is meeting again with the enrollment person on Monday and it looks like he'll be starting on October 4th. I was able to register for college, but ended up waitlisted for all my classes, so I have to wait until spring to actually get classes going. It's complicated..., but at least I'm registered and can be one of the first to pick my classes this coming semester. Waited until the Friday before school started to enroll because I was waiting to see what my husband was going to do, so of course, all the classes were full. But I am jazzed because I at least have the ball rolling... FAFSA done... enrolled, etc. It's just a matter of being able to get classes picked early enough. And I was excited to get that far, so I'm ready to go. Hubby is jazzed about his school as well so all is good.
Hubby is out painting today and so I've been here alone with my daughter all day. He took my son for some father and son bonding time. My daughter is so much more mellow when her brother is gone. He was so used to undivided attention and my daughter has never had any that they are always in a competition with each other. Spending time with my daughter alone is an amazing experience. She is so much more mellow.
Speaking of daughter... she went to preschool for one day last month. She spent the night at my niece's house. Niece has a daughter who just started kindergarten, but it's combined with a preschool as well. So, Sarah went off with her for the day to preschool. SHE LOVED IT!!! So now I'm looking into preschool for her. No issues at all and she went all day.
Lastly, I'm very nostalgic today. I have very little family and somehow we became estranged. That bothers me tremendously. I seem to have lost my best friend and I'm kind of floundering... it bothers me daily, but I am at the point that it's really consuming me.... I don't know what to do to fix things... or if they can be fixed or what. Years and years of a relationship down the drain... Well, no matter what... I will always love my sister... because that's what she is to me still.

Schooling

Well, it looks like it actually might happen this time. The husband actually met with the admissions person (after many hours of on-line work and setting things up) on Monday. Looks like he'll start on October 4. I applied for admission on Tuesday, but am still waiting to get my student id number. If all goes well, I too should be starting back to school on August 31. While the husband is going to do live classes mine will need to be entirely on-line. The tricky part will be not letting anyone find out that we are in fact in college. Husband made the mistake of mentioning it to someone who went with the "are you crazy... materialistic.... not spiritual.... blah, blah, blah" route. And that was from a friend. Imagine my parents.... good lord I hope we can pull this off. The job market is so tight these days that we need to do something. I have been applying for work like crazy. One person actually called me, and in the course of the conversation she mentioned that she had over 400 resumes for her one position. The fact that I haven't worked full-time recently is not playing out well. Hopefully, the going back to college will help. Couldn't hurt...

Goodness

It's amazing how quickly things change. One minute everything is fine, the next it's upside down. Not only in my life but others as well. My friend just called and told me she left her husband. Wow!! I am speechless. They were (well they still are) married for 17 years. She is staying in a hotel until the apartment she rented becomes available in two weeks. When she first told me I wanted to call someone to help her because I don't live that close to her. But I chose wisely and decided to stay out of it and let her deal with it herself. I just wanted someone to be there for her. She hadn't told anyone but me what had happened and spent a lot of time crying. I feel helpless as I am so far away. That's my makeup. I worry... way too much. Which would probably explain why my stress level is up so high and my ulcer is bleeding. Oh well...

Job Interview

Well, I received notice that I passed the written qualification exam for a position in the Police Department for the City of Santa Clara. I am scheduled for an interview on Monday the 13th. When I read the job description I have to laugh because it is sooo not me. I am an accountant by well, basically, personality. I keep to myself, would rather be holed up in an office crunching numbers, not by any means interacting with people. I think it is my only-child/bookworm mentality. So here is a basic description per their website:

Special Conditions
Incumbents of this class are assigned to work day, swing and graveyard shifts, including weekends and holidays
Incumbents are expected to become proficient in the use of self-defense, Basic First Aid, Cardiopulmonary Resuscitation (CPR) and chemical agents through training

Typical Tasks
Completes and types/transcribes a variety of material such as written or dictated reports, arrest reports and/or fingerprint cards, and correspondence from recorded information, rough drafts, marginal notes, or verbal instructions
Checks, indexes, updates, routes, and files reports, correspondence, records, and citations
Answers inquiries and complaints from the public at the counter and by telephone.
Operates two-way police radio, computer terminals, and other standard office equipment such as telephone, typewriter, dictation machine, copy machine, and calculator
Using radio, computer terminal, and other appropriate equipment, provides officers in the field with information on individuals and vehicles and sends, receives, and updates information on the status of warrants
Accepts bail, keeps records
Takes police reports over the telephone and at the front counter
May interact with distressed prisoners and young children
May be required to perform pat or strip searches on persons of the same gender in custody,
Assist in the booking process or accompany officer in the transportation of prisoners to county jail or juveniles to a detention facility or home
Testifies in court as required
Uses interpersonal skills in dealing with irate persons and emergency situations

Yeah... me doing strip searches - lol. Oh well, I probably won't get it anyway. As I looked again at the qualifications I noticed I have to pass a variety of tests... including psychological. Nope...

Flies

Are you kidding me??? With as many things that are going on in the world today PETA is upset that the President swatted a fly. I mean, he killed a fly.... They've even invented a fly swatter for those pesky things. Apparently, we are all supposed to humanely trap them and release them back into the wild. Yes, they are sending him such a trap. Give me a break people!!! Concentrate your efforts on something else. It's a fly, people - move on...

Poverty

Yesterday my son went to a 6th grade graduation for his only friend in the Bay Area. Keanu has been over to play with David about 4 times now since we've been here. Both love Star Wars and Transformers and of course... video games. My mother told me that they were poor. David has never been to their place. Keanu lives with his mom, and two sisters - in the aunt's townhouse along with the aunt and at least one of her children. Keanu's mom doesn't work (I forget why), she only lives off of state money, and she doesn't have a car. Keanu's father, I believe, lives in the Philippines, and of course, doesn't pay child support. So, with transportation issues on both sides, it is difficult for the two boys to get together. Anyway, I digress. Keanu just finished the 6th grade and his mom threw him a party. David got dropped off by his grandfather at about 1:10. David called at 4:15 and asked if he could be picked up because the party ended an hour earlier, but he had stayed to clean up and play with Keanu a little bit. When he came back we asked if he had fun, what did you do, etc. etc. He came back with a container of soup. She is so poor, but wanted to do something nice for her son that she had soup for the party. Ab knew what it was (she's El Salvadorian) -pasole. David said he had some soup (which he liked), and one soda and a couple of oreo bites. Apparently they bought a package of oreos - and CUT THEM UP to stretch them. That just breaks my heart. Just when I get tired of juggling bills and stretching funds something like this happens and makes me feel bad for feeling sorry for myself. Oh it gets better. She sent some soup home with David because he liked it so much. Now, according to the State of California we are poor (enough to qualify for free health care for the kids), and yes, I feel it some days. But she totally puts me in my place. My mother told me that their big treat is going to McDonalds. They buy one Happy Meal for 3 people to split. Keanu is 11 and his sister is about his age as well. Three people sharing one small meal. This system really makes me sick... Funny thing is, I've never heard Keanu complain. My parents barbecued once when he was here and he ate and ate. Poor kid. The sad part is I know there are a lot more kids out there just like him. With people losing their homes we're reading in the paper that there are lots of displaced families, children, and pets. Sad... sad... sad - poverty is sad, especially when it affects someone you know. There's poor, but then there's barely scraping by poor. Puts me in my place...

Vindictive

One last thing before I go all positive... I really want a car... not just any car.... a nice car. Forget for transportation purposes, this one is purely for vindictive reasons. Interesting that I never realized how evil I can get.... lol
When I had a vehicle it was "mine" and with it came the radio. I was in control of the radio stations. My husband's truck was "his". He controlled the radio in his vehicle. Since we split our time evenly it was fine. Now I no longer have a vehicle, and the truck did not become "ours". It is "his" and I don't have a vehicle. So whenever we go anywhere I have to listen to what he wants.
The last time we were driving I was fantasizing about driving in a corvette down the freeway in "my" car, blasting "my" radio. He would have to ask to drive my car the way I have to ask to drive his. Yeah, it's petty, but it sure felt good.
I think it's coming from the since he's the only one making money he buys things, but tells me it's his. When we both worked things were "ours". Not anymore. Things are now his.
So, my fantasy of driving the vette sure felt good.... oh yeah, the song that was playing on my radio.... Sammy Hagar's "I Can't Drive 55". And I had both kids in the car rocking out... as we were making our escape from the house going to do something fun...

Negativity

This morning I woke up and wondered when I became so negative. I hear a lot of words like "can't" coming out of my mouth. I think the negativity developed as I felt a loss of self. I feel like I have lost control of my life. Now, I need to find a way to get it back. I am in the middle between two forces. My parents - who we live with; and my husband - who hates living with them and stays in the room all day when he is here. Now each have expectations of me. I am in the middle and get dumped on from both sides. Ironically, I am here all day myself and I aso hate living here. Problem is I don't see a way out especially if my husband is not actively working on a solution. "Are you looking for work elsewhere?" No, there isn't any is the response I get. I have applied for jobs and have been asked to interview, but they are not local so I am unable to make the interviews. Husband told me I cannot look for jobs where we are at because "we have no long term plans to stay here". So I look elsewhere and am unable to interview. Brilliant...
Living with others puts you under their house rules. I have to do what they want or problems arise. Unfortunately, their rules involve me staying here all day. We are not allowed to leave the house before 3:00 in the afternoon. New problems are on the horizon coming for the summer. I mentioned them to my husband and he got irritated. Not that he has a solution, but it would make me feel better to know he was working on some sort of a plan for our future. My plans are to make my kids as well adjusted as possible considering the circumstances. I am exercising more. I am also planning on starting school in the fall.
My sister told me to do something for myself.... now crying is a great release but well, it stresses the kids... lol Chocolate is great, but well, let's face it I don't need it. So, I'm doing the exercise thing. Interesting trying to do aerobics in a micro space. Point of reference... I cannot even stretch out both arms or I hit the closet door. But I am making do and exercising the best way I can. So that's what I'm doing for me. Hoping it will release positive energy. That is my goal (although it seems like it was my new year's goal as well) to try to be positive.

Happiness

Hmmmm. what do address....
My sister keeps telling me she wishes me happiness. Of cours, I am happy. But it's all relative....
I live in a bedroom with two children and a dog, The lack of privacy alone creates its ow issues... lol.
Everything we own is either in a storage unit or is in our bedroom. Our whole lives -the 4 of us-so I don't know where we go from there...
That aside.... my happiness is pretty much based on my children's happiness. My son is internalizing his issues so it is difficult to get to where he is at. So far he seems to be ok as long as he is with us. My daughter is bouncing off the walls and is climbing them as well. Turn out it doesn't appear she is doing as well as the son. With her and her father clashing she really has no where to turn. I wish I knew what to do do. I am at a loss. We have had multiple conversations as to "what would you do if", but well, although this issue was brought up in the general, it was not brought up in the "vague" it creates a problem. If I have a road B at lead I'd have some sort of route..... or it could die... I just wish I knew what do it...
But it explains my lack of romance......

Too Many Blogs

So I inadvertently logged out of this email and into another. What was saved and what is blogged I have no idea... lol. Too much technology for me..... Hopefully I can breathe and not have someone looking over my shoulder... that is what I'd like. If it's on this blog great... if not, guess I'd better find something else.....

Clarifying

Life.... I totally wish I knew what to do. I am so glad hubby doesn't remember I have a blog...
He has become very controlling lately.. monitoring my emails, cell phone calls, etc. Fortunately, I have been able to have some back door accounts...
Mexicans are another breed entirely My friend, Alice, and I have compared notes and we have come to the realization that Mexican males are possessive, short-tempered, and easily aggravated. That's the short version....
My hubby now monitors my calls, emails, etc. I don't want to think it's because he's insecure. I just feel he's bored. Mexican males are ultra macho. So when they are not working they seem to the the other extreme -insecure.
fyi--- that drives my crazy.....
I don't need someone looking over my shoulder every time I get an email, phone call or text. I am a fully functioning adult and can manage my own stuff just fine thank you very much.


So, my dear sister, you may realize why I am not realizing my quota...lol. I've aggravated.....

Blogging

Yes, I wish I was more up to date. Problem is I can only do this when hubby is asleep..... Yeah, my sister and I sooo need to talk... lol

So, new and interesting....
Nothing new... but I have been meaning to blog about the world.
We have been following the story of Sandra Cantu. I feel absolutely horrible for her. My son has been following her story and makes us pause every time it comes on the news. To catch up, she is an adorable 8 year old little girl who vanished in Tracy. Just this week her body turned up in some kind of suitcase in a ditch somewhere. My 10 year old saw the story from the beginning when she first disappeared. Every time the news came on we had to stop and listen to the story of her disappearance. Now, I try not to be pessimistic and I was absolutely hoping for the best, but when the news revealed that her body was discovered I was not shocked. What does disturb me is that there are people out there who can do horrific things to innocent children. She is an absolutely adorable 8 year old child and someone killed her. That bothers me. Those kinds of things make me cry. Not only for her and her family, but also to have to explain the mean people who exist in the world to my innocent 10 year old. I cry when I think about her innocence being taken away and for the pain her family is going through. No, I don't live near Tracy, but as a mother, what her parents must be going through is just horrific. How can someone do such a horrific thing to such an innocent girl??? It boggles the mind. Beyond that, from what we've heard from the news is many children from the area are traumatized. Go figure??? My 10 year old has been following the story with great interest and I am at a loss as to what to tell him. Trusting in people will get you nowhere apparently. Don't go outside alone ever. My 3 year old has learned how to open the front door by herself, and boy am I freaked out. Her short leash just got shorter.

Respect

Well, it hasn't even been 24 hours back and I am hating life at my parents. It started last night... first they pump my son for info as to what we did, where we went, and who we saw while visiting Southern California. Then they go back to their controlling ways. My son is homeschooled through a school district in Simi Valley, but we live in the Milpitas School District boundary. So, of course, their vacations are entirely different. My mother will not let my son outside of the house before 3:00 on a school day because, well, everyone else is in school. He was talking about missing his friends and how happy he was to be with them and she told him he needs to widen out and make older friends. Hello, he's crazy about his aunt who is older than him... But I digress. She said next week he'll have that opportunity. She's making plans for him, much to his great dismay. Now, I know the school up here is out for winter break, but he does not have off until April. But, because it's her idea, it's totally different. I told her that he has school next week, but she said it doesn't matter, he can do it any time. Excuse me!!?? I told my husband and he told me not to overreact. To me, it's a matter of respecting me as his mother, especially when my son is pleading with me to not make him go with her. If I say he has school, which, in fact, he does, that should be that. Not a "well, it's home school so it doesn't matter". I am so irritated. Yes, he's ahead, but they don't know that. I need to make some plans for next week in a big hurry....

Chicken Soup

I have to tell you, I am rather sick of chicken soup. We have all been sick so much in the last couple months that I made the third batch yesterday. Did I want some? Heck NO! But, it's soothing and makes you feel good. On a positive note is also is low fat and low calorie. But I am seriously sick of it. Got to get better soon so I can have something that tastes.... different than chicken soup.

Children - Found

I found my children. Unfortunately, it was only for 5 days. I have been living with their "shells" for several months, but their real personalities came out. We talked as a family and came to understand that we didn't know how much they hated living with their grandparents. Not only do they have to answer to two sets of parents, one set is extremely strict and rigid in their thinking. But, take them out of that environment and they totally blossomed. My daughter smiled, laughed, and yes, even giggled. She went to everybody and gave hugs and kisses. She even, gasp, initiated a hug to her brother. And he, surprisingly enough, hugged her back. Now that we understand their frustration now it's up to us as the parents, to find a way to bring their personalities back. The personalities quickly retreated as we made the return drive back. So, I have to now let my fingers do the walking and find jobs quickly so we can get the heck out of here. Something has to give and it can't be the kids. Childhood is over so quickly that it is important that they are able to look back and have happy memories. So here's to good memories for everyone. For me... it's busy, busy, busy... happy job hunting.

New Year

And with a new year comes the usual list of things to do, things to stop doing, things to better oneself. My goals for this year are to remain optimistic, get healthier (and yes, lose weight). So far the tips I have received are to run, eat more small meals, and drink green tea. Running has become difficult because it's raining. Mother Nature is sabotaging my efforts. Hey, it was worth a shot. I also found a diet that seems to be workable, which is the Biggest Loser Diet. It incorporates more fruits and vegetables, which is also a weakness. It worked out well that the first few days of the new year we were sick. Homemade chicken soup... Lean meat, and vegetables. So far the green tea has been the easiest to stick to. We'll see what happens.