Being a Victim

Things happen to us in life, the good-the bad-the ups and the downs... When we had our son 10 years ago my husband and I made a choice for me to not work, but to be a stay at home mother, at least until he reached the age he could go to school. Well Kindergarten has come and gone, and I'm still a full time stay at home mother, and let's add another child to the mix. When you don't earn income, speaking from my experience, you don't feel like you have an equal say in where the income that DOES come in gets spent. I know they say that to pay someone to do all of the work a wife and/or mother does would equal hundreds of thousands of dollars, yet society does not promote that view by the husband. If he is earning an income, he gets the say in well, pretty much everything... Not any more...
We watch police dramas on tv and I want to yell at the small mousy woman to get out of her abusive situation. Last Tuesday the physically abused woman went back to her husband because she couldn't make it on her own, only to be killed by him that night. Stupid woman, why did she go back to him?? That's what we all think. Get a spine and take control. Easier said than done of course...
Today I am taking back control of my life. I am in a situation I don't like... No I am not abused, but sometimes we find ourselves becoming a victim of circumstance. Now you can either stay the victim or pick yourself up and move on. I think by not having outside interests, by not working outside the home it leaves you with too much time to dwell on the negative. Things are always bad and with nothing to replace the negative with positive the negative becomes larger than life. I know my husband is in that place as well. Yeah, it's real exciting around here... both of us obsessing on what we can't do, haven't accomplished, regrets, etc. I do not want my children to grow up knowing only negativity.
It is ironic I have come to this great epiphany on a day of Thanksgiving. Although I personally, do not celebrate the holiday, it did strike me as a major irony. Because I do have things to be thankful for. I have to wonderful children who have their whole lives in front of them, I have a supportive sister who lets me rant and rave. I have a friend, who has a similar situation, but found a part time job and now has a more positive outlook on life. And I do have a husband of almost 17 years. Right now he is in a really bad place and I feel like I'm getting sucked into the vortex. I think if I can climb out so can he. The more I dwell on the negative the more I feel like I'm being swallowed by the quicksand. The more I flail and flounder around the quicker I get sucked back in. I need to find the rope and just pull myself up.
So no more being a victim. I'm going to start the new year in a new place - if not physically at least metaphorically. I'm going to have a job and hopefully be in school... I'm going to be all that I can be... but I draw the line at joining the military...lol. Next year is going to be a great year and it starts today!!

Cinnamon Rolls

Today we had cinnamon rolls for breakfast. I asked my daughter if she wanted cinnamon rolls and bacon and her face just lit up. We don't have it that often because, frankly, we'd all be over 300 pounds. But as I am watching my daughter dig in, cinnamon goo everywhere and a look of total bliss on her face it caused me to think about parenting and food. My son will ask for a cookie or piece of chocolate in the morning. Of course my response is... "no!! it's way too early". And the policy in the house is - no soda before 11. Of course he always tries to push the envelope. Going back to cinnamon rolls.... Why is a cinnamon roll ok, but well, cookies are not? Why are danish pastries ok, but cakes are not? Why are donuts ok, but not pie? Does it have to be deep fried and covered in a glazed frosting for it to be acceptable for "morning fare"? I would never let my kids eat chocolate so early in the morning, yet there are chocolate chip muffins. Same with soda. Why is Diet Soda unacceptable, yet out comes the coffee and tea and in goes spoonfuls of sugar? Things that make you go hmmmm...

Picky Picky

When I was in the fourth grade I never passed health inspection. I was a nail biter. My parents tried everything, and yes, by the way, you can acquire a taste for that bitter stuff they put on nails to deter nail biting. It wasn't until I couldn't wear nail polish unless I stopped biting that I was motivated to quit cold turkey. Never bit my nails again. I grew long nails, to the point that people commented on them, how nice they were, etc. (Not claws, but long enough people thought they were fake). Now, while I stopped chewing my nails, I became a picker. I picked at the skin all around them. I'd work a loose piece of skin or cuticle until it became red and well, just extremely painful. Yes, I'm sure Dr. Phil would have a field day with me. I've seen him talk to "cutters" and yes, I am aware I demonstrate the same controling tendencies and probably have similar reasons for my pickings. This has recently come to my attention, well as late as well, now... I am sitting here with a bandaid on my finger. And yes, it hurts to type. Funny thing is I've come full circle. I had a snag on my nail, and well, being the obsessive compulsive person that I am I had to even it out, which led to more unevenness, which led to more picking, which left me with a way too short and now throbbing finger. I had a bird who picked at her legs and chewed her toes until they were bloodied and open. You could see her actual legs, beyond the skin. She would pick and poke and blood would be everywhere. The vet said she had behavior issues and she ended up wearing a cone. Yes, she wore a collar around her neck to prevent her from getting to her legs and feet. People would tease us and call her Radar, but hey, we did get good tv reception... lol. I used to shake my head and go "what an idiot of a bird", but now I can relate. It is difficult to explain... but now I'm wondering how I'll look in a collar. Hope I can accessorize......

Being Polite

Ok, this so does not make sense to me. We went to a friend's house for dinner on Monday. She bought 2 tri tips (meat) for all of us (it's us and the 2 of them). She had bread, green beans and salad and of course, the tri tip. Now we ate in the kitchen so I was able to monitor this. Out of the two tri tips she cooked, if we barely ate one I'd be shocked. Yet, today, I made tri-tip. I had beans, and potatoes as well as bread. My husband and son ate almost the entire slab of meat by themselves. What happened to being polite and it spilling over into every day life. I got well, a couple pieces of meat, a couple pieces of bread and like 3 potato wedges...lol. Not like I needed any more. But let me tell you, it was a far cry from our friends' house on Monday. My son ate like 2 pieces of meat (and he's a meat a holic) and said "I'm full". I make the same meal and he's scavenging for leftovers. Go figure!! Sorry auntie... it wasn't boiled....lol

Simple Things I Miss

Today I had to give the dog a bath. Why? Well, no one else will do it. This house is sooo, not dog friendly. I had to use the bathtub. Now, is that sanitary? Probably not, but I have no choice. Our dog is not large by any means, but she's not a toy poodle either. I am trying to maneuver her around, get her wet, soaped up, and keep myself at least somewhat dry. I am thankful that no one was around to see this amusing disaster. This makes me miss my home and the simple things I took for granted. Like a sink in the laundry room. It was the perfect size for a dog and I am not having to fold myself in half to accomplish this most basic of tasks. Wash, blowdry, voila!! a clean dog. Here... heck no!! I am crippled from bending over, trying to keep the dog still, why? well, she has a whole tub in which to roam and wander off. Wandering off means leaving the line of spraying water, which then means she does that doggie shake to get rid of the excess water. Yes, I'm sure you know where I am headed with all of this... What used to be a relatively simple and painless chore has turned into a morning of mopping up wet floors, cleaning the bathroom, etc. Oh yeah, and right after she was bathed and blown dry, what did she do? She led me to the garage door so she could go outside so she could um, have some privacy. And here's the best part - it's pouring down rain. Bleeping, bleeping, bleeping day......

Singing

The family was driving in the truck last night coming home from dinner at a friend's house. Instead of the radio, we were listening to my son's ipod. Now he has maybe 15 songs on there, and they run the spectrum. One song comes on, husband hits skip. Then another song comes on. With a flick of the wrist the volume goes, well ..... UP. Now, the three of us are singing at the top of our lungs. The two year old has her hands over her ears and is going "too loud, too loud." Next song, same artist, same volume... then the last song (before we reached the destination). By that time I guess she figured, "if you can't beat 'em, join 'em". She was swaying back and forth and clapping along. So now there's four of us screeching along. Just to let you all know, there's a reason we haven't been discovered. And to the artist, whose songs we murdered, "sorry"....

Girlie Girl

My two year old has turned into a girlie girl. She was not into dresses and well, girlie stuff. Boy, has that changed! I used to have to practically sit on her to get her into a dress. She would scream, "I do not like that!!" as I am dressing her. Neighbors ran for cover...lol. Now, when we go shopping she goes, "oooh, pretty" when looking for clothes. And she definitely has her own opinions. The one thing she does still hate is having her hair brushed. But with her curly hair, I'm sure it is painful. I tried nail polish the other day, thinking after one swipe she would go, "I do not like that, get it off." Boy was I wrong. I did one nail and she held her hand out for more. Pretty soon I had both of her hands done. And she wasn't done. She wanted the toes too. I had to stall her until the next day because it was her bed time. First thing when she woke up, she held her toes out. "Polish, polish toes." So she now has become a girlie girl. She loves to dress up, hold her baby and now, have her nails and toes done.